Imagination, Love, Pain and Cowardice
by ALEX GINERVA POTTER
Summary: Sirius wishes life had been better. James wants that particular girl. Remus dreams of somewhere without suffering. Peter has always hoped that he can be the star of his own story.
1. Oh, Hogwarts Days! (James)

1 September 1971

This morning, when I woke up, I felt funny. Not funny as in ha, ha. I felt something tingling through my body. I looked around my room for a source of the tingling sensation. Black wallpaper, dark oak chest, trunk at the foot of my bed and red bedcovers. All normal. Glasses on the bedside table, muggle clothes neatly folded at the end of my bed, my owl in his cage and black carpet. Still normal. I could not find one thing out of place. I put my glasses on and looked again. I noticed my Hogwarts train ticket on my bedside table. Ahhhhh, Hogwarts. It was the first of September! I leapt from my bed and raced downstairs to the smell of pancakes. I couldn't wait for the sorting later that day. I grinned at my mother and she put three pancakes on my plate and said, "You'll need a lot of energy today, James. " I started eating and my mother served my father and herself some pancakes. When she was done, she handed me a rectangular package. "Write in this every day so that you'll remember Hogwarts forever." I smiled again, and put the package next to me on the table.

We ate quietly for the next half hour. When we were done, my mum and dad stood up and walked outside. I got my trunk and owl then I followed them. When they stopped, I gripped my dad's hand just as he disappeared. I went with him, spluttering as we stopped. I'll never get the hang of disapperation.

We landed outside King's cross station 5 seconds before my mum. We stopped between platforms nine and ten. I saw a young boy in black with greasy hair. He looked pathetic. My dad followed my line of sight and said, "Steer clear of him. He's Severus Snape. The whole family is shifty. They take pride in being strong Slytherins. His mother has always had a fascination for the dark arts so watch out." My mum nodded and took my hand. "Come on darling. You want to get good seats don't you?" I nod and start a run at the barrier.

The platform is loud. The air is filled with hoots of owls and the crying of kids to young to attend Hogwarts. I wait for my dad before heading towards the train. I say last goodbyes, hugging my mum and letting my dad slap me heartily on the back. "I'm not going to say be good" he said "But take care. I want you back home in one piece!" I laughed and let him help my trunk on to the bright red Hogwarts express.

I moved slowly down the train until I found a free compartment. Well, I thought it was free. Sitting in the compartment was a boy that must have been my age. He was tall and dark. His hair was medium length and he looked pretty preoccupied. I ruffled my hair nervously. "Um", I said, "Would you mind sharing?" He winked and nodded. Not long after I sat down, a small, chubby, mousy haired boy came in. His face was twitching like a rodent. He didn't even ask. He just said, "I'm Peter Pettigrew." I smiled weakly and said "James Potter." The boy beside me said "Sirius Black" and returned to staring out the window. Peter jumped. "Black! Aren't your folks big You-Know-Who supporters?" Sirius grimaced and said, "If we end up friends you'll find that I'm not really a Black. It's just my name." I already liked Sirius.

We were in the middle of discussing house groups when another boy came in. I noticed Sirius' head flick towards the door. He smiled at the new comer and stood up. "Hello new bee! Are you in first year too? I'm Sirius, this is James and that one is Peter. You can sit with us if you want." The new boy smiled and said "I'm Remus Lupin. I'd love to sit with you. Hello everyone! Yes, I'm a fellow first year." The rest of the train trip went fast. We talked about everything we could think of: Quidditch, houses, parentage and life before Hogwarts. When the train stopped we were all excited and had all decided that we wanted to be in Gryffindor. Of course, my family are strong Gryffindors, the Blacks are Slytherins and the Pettigrews are Hufflepuffs.

We followed a man called Hagrid onto boats and to Hogwarts. It was amazing! Finally we arrived at the great hall. I saw the sorting hat and smiled. I watched the muggle borns stare at it with horror. I was waiting for it to start singing. When the song was up, I clapped it along with the rest of the school. Sirius was one of the first to be sorted. He took a while. I watched anxiously. After about a minute, the hat said 'Gryffindor!' I saw my classmates get sorted one by one. A pretty girl called Lily Evans was Gryffindor. Remus was Gryffindor too. Frank Longbottom, Gryffindor. There were loads of Gryffindors. We got to the 'P's. A boy with a squashed face called Luke Parkinson got Slytherin. Then Pettigrew got Gryffindor after 3 minutes. Then finally it was my turn. I walked up confidently, ruffled my hair and put the hat on. It had touched my head for five seconds when 'Gryffindor'. I chucked the hat off and strolled down to the Gryffindor table. I was clapped on the back by the Head girl, Molly Weasley and went to join my friends.

The feast was amazing. The food was in league with my mum's. The trifle was the best. My mum had been right. I had needed energy. I was shovelling down the food, trying to eat all I wanted before it disappeared. When it did go, I felt contented. Albus Dumbledore stood up and said something I wasn't concentrating on. Then I saw people get up around me and followed suit, following the crowd towards the Gryffindor common room, where I got changed and unwrapped the book my mum had got me. It was red leather, with a lion woven on the cover. There looked to be enough pages for two years. Then I sat on my bed and wrote in this diary. And, as they say, the rest is history. So see ya reader, till next time.

James Charlus Potter

8 September 1971

Sorry that I haven't written for some time.1 week in fact. I worked out that if I write once a week, this book will last me for the next eight years, including this year. So this week I had incredible fun being able to use MY wand. Of course, I've used my dad's since I was tiny but…? I guess it feels different. The whoosh you get when you perform wingardium leviosa perfectly when you could never do it with a different wand. Now I know that it's true that you can never perform as well with another's wand.

I've met the sweetest girl. I recognised her at once from the sorting. She's in all of my classes. Her name is Lily and it suits her perfectly. She has long, flowing red hair and beautiful eyes. I don't think she likes me. I sat next to her in potions and she turned her nose up and marched over to the next table with a Slytherin boy. I don't know why she'd want to be friendly with him. Lily is obviously a muggleborn, otherwise she would've been told about the Slytherins. I feel a need to tell her all about everything, to protect her.

Within the next few days, I learnt more about Lily. After much staring, I gathered that the boy she sits next to is Snape and he fancies her. I decided that I'm going to get her to go out with even if I turn 40 before it happens, even if I die trying. No way is that Snape boy getting my Lily Evans.

I discovered that, at Hogwarts, amazing food isn't a treat like it is at home. We get awesome kippers, scrambled eggs and pancakes every morning. It's awesome! It turns out Sirius never gets food this good, his brother always got priority back home. I asked him why and he didn't say a word. Maybe it's because of that muggle friend he's forever going on about? It'll need more investigation.

Remus is really smart. He is saving my life with homework at the moment. How could I know that we were supposed to read our textbooks before we arrived? I've almost finished reading them and then I'll be caught up with it all. The head girl, Molly, doesn't seem to like me playing exploding nap in the afternoons. I think she's happier now that I'm reading instead. Not for long though. Like I said, I'm almost finished. Just _A history of Magic_ left. I heard from one of the other Gryffindors that it's really boring. Maybe I won't bother…? Who knows?

I've received a letter from my parents. It just asked about sorting and the train. It was pretty boring. I told them about my friends and used this journal to help answer questions. I've just sent them my second letter, telling them about my first week. I reckon I'm faring pretty well. Some kids need a letter from their parents once a DAY! (Including Peter.)

Peter Pettigrew is as much of a coward as he looks. His mother was a pretty good witch but he hasn't inherited her talent. I don't even know how he got in Gryffindor. I think he's a true Hufflepuff. He blushes all the time, never speaks up and is a bit of an idiot. If someone asks him a question, he'll look around, hoping someone else will respond. Who else would do that but a Hufflepuff?

Anyway, I'm almost at the end of my page for this week, so sayonara!

James Charlus Potter


	2. What if? (Sirius)

[Disclaimer: None of these characters are my own and this story is for fun NOT for money.]

What if…?

A Sirius Story

I pace up and down my prison cell yet again. Today is just as boring as yesterday and the day before. The guards take no notice of my muttering or sighing though I am sure they sigh when I get to my pacing. I'm pretty sure they're pretty happy today, as I'm human at the moment. I don't have the strength to turn dog. So I do what I do whenever I feel out of it. I think to myself 'what if…?'

What if I'd been the secret keeper the whole time? I'd be dead. At least it's better to die a hero's death than rot away in Azkaban. For a murder I so obviously didn't commit. But Voldemort would still be ruling. Harry wouldn't have stopped him. Well, they do say 'look on the bright side'.

What if I hadn't taken the bait? What if, for once, I'd left the job to the ministry? That so clearly wasn't, isn't and never will be in my nature. I've been rushing into things since I was nine, when I met Malcolm. How my mum yelled when she found out I was dating a MUGGLE BOY of all things. In her eyes, even a muggle girl would be better than a muggle boy. To her I'd sunk to the lowest of lows. Of course, at first, I did it to get on her nerves. But back then I hadn't felt real passionate love. Malcolm was one of the secrets I'd taken with me to Hogwarts.

What if I'd told someone? What if I'd told Remus from the very first day? Well, to be fair, the 11-year-old Sirius didn't know that Remus had his own Malcolm back home. When I found out that Remus was and is werewolf, everything got 10 times better. Oh, I'd always longed for another thing to date that my mother hated. This time, it wasn't just to piss my mother off. Real love screamed from the depths of my soul.

Not even my dear friend James knew. We were in total secret. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, always private. In the depths of the night, in the forbidden forest. As discreet as we could get. I even dated a few girls, broke their hearts, just to through James off the scent. Of course, Peter would never find out anyway. I doubt he even has the words 'gay' and 'bisexual' in his vocabulary.

What if Remus wasn't bisexual? We could have still been together. If he hadn't fallen for the metamorphamagus he called Nymph. My favourite cousin. My favourite ten-year-old cousin. I cursed myself for not knowing. He loves male and female alike and I wished I'd figured it out. If only he was just a normal gay like me.

I see Fudge walk by. We have a short chat. I get momentarily distracted. The newspaper clenched in Fudge's hand had a picture of Pettigrew on it. How do I get that paper?

"Excuse me Fudge. Could I have a look at that paper? How I miss those crosswords!" He gladly handed over the newspaper. I stared at it. It was Peter. How I'd love revenge.

What if I could escape? Yes. I could bloody well escape! How hadn't I thought of this before? Here comes food. I could just turn dog and break out of this place. I could feel the sweetness of revenge. This was the first time I'd felt bloodthirsty since Lily and James' deaths.

What if I met up with Remus on the way? I hope he's got over Nymphadora by now.

Ocean. Right. Am I strong enough to swim? Yes. Good. I'm close now. So close. I can almost taste Hogwarts food. Hear laughter. See kids running about the castle. Feel the coarseness of the stone. Smell the house elves baking chocolate éclairs. Oh, how I pang for the liveliness of Hogwarts castle. For the moment I have to hide in my oldest haunt. Womping Willow, here I come.

1 Month Later

Tonight I feel a tingly feeling up my spine. I hear more laughter than usual. Ah. Halloween. That means it is a full moon. I better evacuate the grounds. More than Remus roamed the grounds on full moon. I find myself in the castle. Outside the Fat Lady. Saying the password of 16 years ago, the last time I wandered Hogwarts.

"Flubberbust."

"That was a password…. Ahhhhh! Sirius Black!"  
I feel Peeves coming. I need to get in. Pettigrew lost me 12 years without dear little Harry. He'd be about 13 now. I become desperate. Slashing her. In a fit of fury I did what I had almost done to Malcolm when we broke up, aged 12.

21 Years Earlier

Today I feel nervous. Malcolm called me over and I don't know how to get there. My mother won't let me out the house unless she or one of the cousins accompanies me. There's no way I can escape again.

The time comes and I decide to take a risk. Narcissa taught me to apparate last year so I apparate a street away from him. I knock on the door. A pale woman answers. She nods curtly at me and leads me down a hallway to what must be Malcolm's room. He's lying down, reading on his bed.

"What's up Mal?"

"It's just, um, I've found a boy I'm really into. Not that I'm, um, not into you but, um, he and I, um, kissed last week and, um, it felt good. I love you Siri and always will but I'm devoted to him."

I stand gaping for a minute before I can do anything. I've been in love with Remus for two years but this is the last straw. I feel the anger rush up inside me. I do all I can do to try and stop it but….

"Your bloody stupid if you thought I'd take this easy. I think you're rushing into things _Malcolm_. We haven't kissed yet but it's been **four bloody years**! A guy can't be that nice if he's so _attached_ that he kisses you full on before you even know him. I have done nothing but care for you and this is how you repay me? Man, I've saved your unworthy life more than once! **Take** **some gratitude**. Well, if I'm not wanted, I'll disappear out of your life. Forever. Trust me, we'll never speak again. My mother will be happy of that. _**Good riddance**_." I slam all the doors behind me, nod to Malcolm's mum on the way out and go back home in a fit.

When I appear, I've got no patience for what ifs. I throw my pocketknives at my pictures on the walls. All but three. My friends, my quidditch team and the muggle girls sitting on the beach.

1 Year Later

I finally told Remus today. It's been a year since I broke up with Malcolm. I don't miss him but I miss having someone to hug and whisper to. Remus actually loves me back! He took a vow never to tell till graduation. That's if we're still together then. I feel as though our love is undying so I won't talk of that right now. James, as smart as he is, has not clued that I date boys. I've had a few slips of the tongue since I started Hogwarts. They were mostly about Malcolm. On the train, I mentioned having a muggle friend, describing him in detail. I thankfully left out the words 'beautiful' and 'boyfriend'.

I have a new description for my boyfriend. He's short with average length brown hair and sparkly hazel eyes. He is imaginative and is good at playing muggle. He turns to his bad side once a month. He is rather partial to raw steak and handsome suits.

Malcolm sure, he was hot. But Remus? He's drop-dead gorgeous and overall sexy. No wonder all the girls hang out 'round our spot. James is like a fisherman for girls, Remus is adorable and I've been told by many a girl that I'm good looking. What girl could ever resist us magnets?

4 Years Later

I am this close to throwing a knife at something right now. I can't believe it. Bloody hell, he chose the wrong time to release _that_ stink pellet. It's two days until graduation, our programmed release date and he pulls out. It's been longer than Malcolm by five months. I should have known. Nothing good could ever last this long.

But her? They met at a family reunion last summer. I mean she _is_ my cousin! That's not the tip of the iceberg though! I _thought_ we had a _trust_ relationship! He should have told me he was bi! I never would have suspected in my life that this would happen. My heart has shattered and never will repair. He can go and marry Nymphadora. I don't care. What I do care about though is losing him. I will never _bear_ to set my eyes on him again. My secret is kept till the day I die. I will not confess until I have lasted a relationship for five years! Tears are spilling down my face. I fear I will not go to graduation.

18 Years Later

I am trapped again. This time in my own Hogwarts castle. Those moments I will always regret. All I hope is that they are together now. Together and happy. I will never think a decent thought again once the dementors have done their work, but I hope my last thought is him. I see shapes flutter outside my window. Are they dementors come to finish me off? Is it the memories coming back? Wait, that's a hippogriff. With Harry on it! I have managed yet again to crawl out of a tight spot.

My concerns are all about Harry in this time and space. He looks so much like his father. And acts like him too. Attracts trouble and saves friends even if it risks his own life. Just one more minute and I'll never have to see a dementor again.

2 Years Later

I sit up. I can hear someone yelling in the distance. It sounds like Snape. What is he saying? Harry, at the ministry? Looking for me? No. No. Never. I have to save him. He's my last memory of James and my last close to family member.

Getting there is a blur. I feel myself arrive. I see Harry. There. Fighting. Like James. Looks just like James. I see Bella. Bella lunging. Lunging for Harry. I'm jumping between them. Firing a curse. So does James. No, Harry. Just like the old days. The last thing I see is cousin Bellatrix firing something green at me.

The last thing I feel is love. Love for Harry. Love for Harry. Undying, never faltering love for Remus. And then I think to myself for one last time… What if…


	3. Ready When You Are (Remus)

_Ready When You Are_

I remember the day I was bitten stronger than any other. The weeks before were full of fear and darkness. I remember my father being bullied by a young man called Fenir. My dad was strong. He thought it was best not to give in. But I know he regreted it later. That night was the usual. Fenir came round. My mother told me to leave the room. I went to my bedroom and got changed into my pyjamas. I heard shouting, then my mother's screams. I heard something about Hogwarts and heard my name several times. Fenir left, slamming the door behind him. My mother came, tears streaming down her face. I tried t comfort her but stopped when this caused her to cry harder. She turned my light out and I slowly went to sleep, dreaming of fairies and magic wands. The next thing I knew was pain, then bright white.

Through the next weeks I was half way between life and death. St Mungos pitied my parents. I kept hearing the nurses saying that I was the fourth that week and they were expecting another soon. I didn't know who bit me or that Fenir Greyback was a werewolf until I was about 12 years old, the year Dumbledore let me come to Hogwarts. At that point I had gone through the transformation 13 times. I became terrified of what people would think of me. This became so great that my father organised that I was kept a secet from the other students. A shack and whomping willow were built and planted. All for other student's and my protection.

The train to Hogwarts was exciting. For the first time since I was bitten, I had friends. Two of them were funny and layed back, the third looked nervous all the time. His face looked like a rat and I didn't like him much but I didn't say so, just in case I was kicked out.

Their names were James, Peter and Sirius. James was handsome, funny and a showoff. He stood out on purpose, said things that made you smile. Sirius was good-looking, laughed a lot and winked as much as he laughed. They looked good and felt amazing to be around.

That year passed without incident. James fell in love with a young girl called Lily. I felt a bit jealous of Lily when I found out and didn't understand why she kept saying no. Sirius seemed to want me around all the time. He kept sighing on the nights of the full moon and seemed disapointed when I told them I needed to go. Peter was always as nervous as he looked. He hated talking to anyone and was really impressed with James. It was a bit pathetic.

The next year we all turned up at Hogwarts again, suprisingly Peter passed exams. Sirius told me that Peter's mother paid for him to return. About halfway through the year, my worst nightmare came to life. James and Sirius confronted me. They said they knew about my problem. The next bit was not like I had imagined. They said they wanted to help and had come up with a way over the holidays. We were only second years but they had planned for them and Peter to become unregistered Anamagi. I was touched. Deep down in my heart I felt it. Love. For the first time in my life someone loved me outside my family.

Third year came along. I was working hard with James and Sirius on our Anamagi project. Each week, we would take in turn doing all of the other's homework. Peter never got a shot at doing anyone else's homework. James' exact words were "The teachers will be suscpicious if he did it. They'd definitly have a tingling something was happening if one week our standards dropped." James was right as usual. He was still in love with Lily, though one day, he emerged from the bathrooms with Sirius and both of them looked angry. A quick teasing of Severus Snape fixed it all and before long they were back to normal. Life was getting hard but I always liked it like that.

Later that year, Sirius asked me out. I was about to tell him that I was dating a boy called Jesse before Hogwarts when Peter came in the room. We moved to the bathroom and I said _I'm ready when you are_ , but that it needed to be private. And it was. We even did **IT** in the Forbidden Forest. It was the most exilerating thing I had ever done.

With fourth year came a bucketload of homework. It was harder and harder to work on our project. A lot of the time we had to sneak under James' invisibility cloak. We were all super close to fit under it but it worked. We were in the library when we weren't in class or sleeping. We barely had time for food. James had taken the risk in third year to join the Quidditch team. It was even harder for him. On Christmas Eve, our plan was ready. We went into our dorm. I watched as James did the spells on Peter, then himself. Sirius did them himself. Then they took out the mandrake that had been in their mouths for a month and changed. I smiled as I saw a dog, stag and rat in front of me. Perfect. Never would I have to face full moon alone again.

Fifth year was more homework than fourth. We had another project this time. Our aim was to plot the whole school on a map and put a charm on it so that every person on the grounds would be there, on the map. Sirius and I stole kisses at every available moment. We talked about our past. Sirius had had a boyfriend called Malcolm that he had never kissed. Malcom sounded suprisingly like Jesse. OWLs came and went. We all had plans for the future. James didn't need a job, for he had all the money needed but he decided to be an Auror later on. Sirius decided the same. I wanted to be a teacher. Pettigrew never decided what he wanted to be. He was always changing his mind.

During the holidays, we got our OWLs results. I got Os on everything but History, on which I got an E. I decided to do all of the old compulsory subjects so that I could teach any subject if I couldn't get Defence. We never had a Defence teacher for more than a year so I liked my chances. Sirius took me to a family reunion. There was a really pretty girl there. Her name was Nymphadora. She had pink hair and was 9, years younger than me. I decided that it was just brotherly love that made her look good. I repeat my old words in my head - _ready when you are_. Yes Sirius was where I belonged. Nymph wasn't getting in the way.

Sixth year. I made a pact with Sirius to tell James about us after we graduated. The war started. Lord Voldemort was getting stronger by the day. I kept seeing articles about people going missing in the newspaper. My cousin went missing. Sirius' brother signed up to be a death eater and was denied; being told he had to be 17. Sirius hated Regulus more and more in every waking moment. Panic was everywhere but Sirius was a candle in the darkness. James finally got Lily to go out with him. They were snogging everywhere. It was gross but James was enjoying himself. Peter's aunt was murdered and Peter was told to leave Hogwarts. He didn't. To this day I don't know why. We finished our map and for the first time since first year I could concentrate on homework.

Our final year of Hogwarts came along. I saw Nymphadora again and had to restrain from reaching out to protect her. 'Yes, definitly brotherly love, nothing more' I told myself. It was true then and I believe that it is true now. I got scared. Graduation was fast approaching and I didn't know what to say to James. I panicked and I still regret it. I told Sirius two days until graduation that I am bi, true, and that I love Nymph, false. He looked sad, I even saw him cry. I wish I hadn't spoken. I had lost everything that meant anything to me. I cried as well. I wish I had made up. Anything, even coming out, would be better than this.

15 Years Later

For the first time in 13 years, I have a chance with Sirius again. I know Nymph has started to love me but I still want the relationship of years before. As I walk through the doors of Grimald Place, I smile. ' _Yes_ ' I think ' _let's kindle our old relationship_ '. I feel the old fires burn and the old matches are lit. I know I am ready for it this time, but will Sirius be? I grin at him and ask the questions with my smile. He answers with those beautiful eyes I love so much, _Ready when you are._


End file.
